The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
