I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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