I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
