i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize