Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
