Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
