Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
