She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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