by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
