i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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