I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
