Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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