what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's blow job season.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
