Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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