Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
