Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
