i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
