new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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