you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
