Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize