i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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