did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
