My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
