You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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