Just took my morning after pill in the library
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize