I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
