I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize