Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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