he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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