I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
