seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
