man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
only if we run a train.
done.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
it was like eating out sand paper
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
