We're like a lot better than the average bears
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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