I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
