I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
