wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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