My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
