I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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