i need an iv and a liver transplant
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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