normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
