Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
3pm strippers are depressing
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
