I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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