I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
