this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
