guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
