he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
