I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
