I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
