she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize