i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
