i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
