so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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