I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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