I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
