If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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