I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
