I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
