I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
