ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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