When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
