i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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