That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
