I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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