I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I checked into jail on foursquare
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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