I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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