you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
