Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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