He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
