i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
