I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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