Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
